Has anyone ever felt intimidated, ridiculed, or targeted by desi aunties and wondered if it was a form of bullying?
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Sabahn
8 Comments
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GrannyBibi
24/07/2020As a member of the older generation, here is a controversial thought for you all: the desi nieces of today are the desi aunties of tomorrow. Look around at todays younger generation. Bullying, harassment, causing body-image issues and so much more. Criticising what clothes someone wears, make up styles, hair styles, weight, this is how it all starts. Want to break the cycle? Start now with your peers and challenge them when they make harmful comments. If you don't then in 20 years time an even newer generation will be on this platform complaining about you.
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Anonymous
17/06/2020I'm really hopeful that this Desi Aunties harrassment era will be over in 10 years as it could be a generational thing. My theory is the aunties grew up in other countries where it was acceptable to gossip and insult individuals as part of cultural life. Receiving this treatment in their youth they now became the perpetrators of this behaviour themselves as adults. But moving to a country in the west after marriage they are now being called out for this behaviour. I've been lucky enough to not have experienced desi aunty abuse, but my older siblings did, and I do wonder why my parents didn't voice their opposition to it. A line should have been drawn before gossip and rumour began to circulate. After all, desi aunties had access to my family whenever they felt like popping into the house! It couldn't have been that hard to address the problem. So what happens now? We protect our children at all costs. Call out the practice of gossip and slander whenever it happens. The more it is opposed, the less it will happen. Facing off with those responsible in a respectable manner would be a clear warning that we are aware of who they are. But most importantly, maybe we ourselves should also refrain from hearing the same about others too. We know the damage it can cause to our children, let's protects others too.
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Alisha
13/06/2020This reminded me of something I read on Twitter that was posted by a pakistani boy. It ended up getting thousands of retweets. It made me question why someone would be this angry that he had to wish bad on someone. He tweeted: "Wallah I hope Allah SWT severely punishes asian aunties who gossip and backbite about their nieces and nephews, it ruins lives." A lot of people were advising him that he should instead wish that Allah guides them and shows them that what they do is wrong. Wishing bad on someone makes you just as bad. On the bright side, it did start the conversation and a lot of people started sharing their stories about how their family members have put them through hell growing up. I hope people read these forums and know they're not alone and that they should stand up for themselves. Your mental health is way more important than pleasing people who are praying on your downfall and verbally abusing you on a daily basis.
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Anonymous
15/06/2020It's so sad reading about these experiences and the long term pain it can cause. I'm blessed to have been brought up in an immediate family where standing your ground wasn't frowned upon- you could express your frustration as long as you remained respectful to your elders. This gave me and my siblings the chance to call out when we were treated like this. And there was lots to be said, being allowed to cut our hair short, wear non-Asian clothes, have friends who were boys.... But it really was the courage of my parents and my mum in particular which made this possible- no one would dare say anything, because they'd get a lecture in response from her ultimately being told 'don't say anything until your kids are angels'. What wasn't always addressed were the 'sly comments'... E.g.*'You look so MashaAllah' *- Basically meaning you look fat! Eventually I learnt that it was often the insecurities of these 'elders' really being projected... and so I often responded exaggeratingly positively- *'Yes-- i'm trying a new diet, where you eat healthily.... AND be happy!'* hehe ... or I'd ask how their diet was going...
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Anonymous
13/06/2020I’m so happy that this is a topic of discussion! It really does affect your mental health. I was bullied by my aunties and cousins about my weight and looks. Growing up I was a very chubby child on top of being too dark for a Pakistani girl in the eyes of my aunties. They would always call me fat, Kaali (black), make fun of me at family events and always target me. It had been happening ever since I was a child. That’s why I was constantly obsessing over my looks to the point that it became an obsession. At the age of 16 I was diagnosed with body dysmorphia and bulimia. Body dysmorphia is a mental health condition where you spend a lot of time worrying about your appearance. Bulimia is when someone goes through periods where they eat a lot of food in a very short amount of time, and then make themselves sick, or do excessive exercise to try and stop themselves from gaining weight. I also started using skin bleach so I could look lighter. It took years of therapy to help me through this and that when I finally told my parents why this had been happening and that was because I was bullied as a child by my own family. I think its important that people raise awareness because I don’t want little girls going through what I went through. I know I’m not alone.
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Sabahn
11/06/2020I love that everyone’s sharing what they’ve been through. There’s a darker side to our desi aunties…I say this from experience. I grew up in a typical desi family, where everyone was always in each other’s business, and still are to this day. I’ve had a problem with ‘desi aunties’ ever since I was 5 years old. These aunties are related to me by blood and were a big part of my life; they were always around (one lived with me). They would bully me on a regular basis, comment on my looks, my clothes, single me out from family gatherings; as well as spread rumours and constantly gossip about me. When we would go to weddings or any other family functions, they would always make me feel unwelcome, like I didn’t belong there. It made me feel unwanted, when all I wanted was to be a part of the family/community. It felt like I was living in a Mean Girls movie. The bullying had been going on for a decade. This affected my mental health severely, mainly because I was constantly thinking about the next rumour they’d spread, or how I’d be left out of the next family gathering. I could never confide in anyone for the fear of the family being split, as well as the confrontation and drama it would cause. Growing up in this negative environment affected who I was as a person, and looking back at it now, I really don’t like who I was back then. I grew up hating the way I looked, to the point that I wouldn’t allow people to take pictures of me. I had low self-esteem. When people would criticise me, I would always get defensive and angry. For years I’d been allowing their negative energy to drain me. That’s when I realised an unhealed person can find offense in pretty much anything someone does or says. Whereas a healed person understands that the actions of others has absolutely nothing to do with them. Each day I got to decide which one I would be. That’s when I started my journey to self-love. I started letting people see the real, imperfect, flawed, quirky person that I am. When you feel disrespected by others, remember to love and accept every bit of you. It repels the negative energy they bring. “Never be bullied into silence, never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself” - Robert Frost
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karimofthecrop
11/06/2020I am so happy you have wrote about this as it is such a real issue that I feel no one else has bought up! I dont get why we accept such disrespectful behaviour. I have friends who have really struggled with their weight/skin conditions and have had to accept awful remarks about it from aunties. Mocking someone else or putting someone down is not ok, no matter how old we are. And I am also fed up of putting up with it or people saying "its because of their age" or "its because they're used to that type of talk" that its ok to talk like that. It is not!
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Anonymous
11/06/2020Ugh, I understand what you are saying 100%. I'm the friend in your situation and there is no denying that the comments can be cruel and can effect your self-esteem. I was teased about things from a very young age from the way I looked, the way I did my make-up, the way I did my headscarf, my clothes and my favourite things. And it was never aunties that did this - it was cousins which makes it all the more hurtful. I never understood why I was treated so terribly and teased for everything and anything that I did. I even remember hours when no-one would talk to me at all because I was a 'downer' that always got them in trouble (bearing in mind, they were the ones tormenting me). One moment that remained with me was a few years ago, on Eid, I was bullied, teased, tormented before I had finished greeting everyone and when I complained to my mother, she let me go home - and this was before the food had been served. I spent Eid day on my own and I realised it was so much better for my mental health. I now start family gathering such as Eid, birthday parties etc. at a family house but the minute the bullying starts, I'd leave and my mum and grandma never stopped me - they would send food home to me and tell me to come back when everyone leaves (which I did). Sometimes, we have to do what it good for our mental health and if our own families are the ones that are crushing us, we need to break free, regardless of the outcome. Step away, help in the kitchen, hang out with the kids or attend for a few hours and return when the bullies leave. My friend even suggested taking a book (and if you know me, I 100% would've if I hadn't stopped attending!) Basically, do what you can and do what you must to protect yourself, mentally. You can't choose your family, unfortunately, but you can take steps to make sure they know that their behaviour is unacceptable. After all, all bullies lose interest eventually.
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