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Parents have said they will cut ties with me if I leave - do I stay or go?

27/11/2020 1278 Views Family Add to Favourite 6 Comments 10
 
Salaam,

So this may get long, sorry. I'm a 28 year old Pakistani Muslim woman, the eldest of my siblings. I am living at home with my dad, stepmum and three brothers who are all under 18. My mum passed away when I was 15 and since then my stepmum has lived with us. She has not been the kindest of people, has been manipulative, told many many lies over the years and made up stories about me and my sisters. Both my sisters are now married and living away from home. 

My dad has been easily shaped by my stepmums ways, though he himself is also incredibly traditional and old-thinking. He cares very much about his pride and how others will see our family. Over the years they have been very verbally and emotionally abusive, calling me names, demeaning me, making me think i'm a bad person, and so much more. I've had a very sheltered upbringing, even in adulthood, I'm not allowed out much or late, I am not allowed to choose what to eat or cook, I'm just overall very secluded and constantly fearful I will have insults thrown at me if I do or say the smallest of things. Even yesterday I went out to the shop by walk and was told off for not taking the car. There is almost something every day. 

A few months ago, I refused to marry a cousin who they had chosen, to which they responded with anger, saying that they wanted to poison me because I'm a 'burden' on them. Since then i have developed bad chest pains which won't go away as they are there due to anxiety and fear. I am also very paranoid of everything they gave me to eat. 

Two weeks ago, I started a conversation with them. I explained that I'm unhappy at home and i don't see things changing over the next few years, so I would think it best for my health and mental wellbeing to move away and live with other muslim women. This is truly my intention. However again, the response to that was extremely negative, they think I am running away with a man, they again called me many names and blamed me for the way I feel. My dad's reasoning was "what will I tell people if you go". He said if I go he will cut me off from the family. He believes he has done everything for me because he has fed me and given me a home for 28 years. 
After this conversation in which nothing was resolved even though I talked calmly and tried to make my needs clear, I told a friend what had happened (as you do). She got worried for me and called the police without telling me, which I don't blame her for at all. 

I spoke to the police over the phone when they called because I did not want them coming to our house and risk my parents wrath. They saw no major issues and it was left on a good note. I was reassured nothing would come from this as they had confirmed I was safe.

Since then, both my parents and me have made more effort with each other and things started to slowly improve. However, last night i got a call from social services saying that she will call my parents because she needs to check the children in the home are safe. I told her there's no need and all is fine, they are boys and well loved and cared for. They have no part in any of this. However I understand once the referral is made they have to call anyway. 

So I had to tell my parents. Otherwise the call would have been a shock to them and could have been bad for me. 

I told them. I told them it was nothing to worry about, it's just procedure, they're just going to ask questions then close the case etc. However my dad reacted with fury. He thinks I did this purposely to threaten him, he thinks I am working against the family. He can't believe that someone else could call the police on someone's behalf so is convinced I did it all myself. He thinks I have a boyfriend (which I have never had), who is controlling me. 

He has given me an ultimatum. Either I call SS and tell them not to contact my parents and that I made a mistake. I also have to apologise to him for 'calling them' in the first place (which I didn't do), then I have to act like a better daughter and carry on living with them. Alternatively, I have to leave home and he will cut me off from the family for life. He also brought my brothers down to tell them everything, told them I 'm a bad person who wants to ruin their lives and If i leave they have to pretend I never existed. 

Last night he locked all the doors, and took all my house and car keys. He said I can have them back in a few months or years when I 'earn it'. 

If I leave i'm fine financially and have a friend to stay with for the short term so that isn't a concern. 

I have so much love for my parents despite everything, I really don't want to hurt my dad in any way. I'm also so attached to my siblings them not being able to contact me crushes me and is the reason I have not left home before. If I stay though, I will never be rid of the pains and all the manipulation that goes on, things won't change as they haven't over the past 10 years. It's such a difficult decision and not at all how I wanted life to happen. This whole thing against muslim women moving away from home is so ridiculous, I had intended it to be a peaceful move where we stay in touch. But my parents only see it as a betrayal and are convinced I want to go and live a 'western' life. 

Basically, I want to know if anyone has been through anything similar and if they have had ties broken by their parents how you are coping with it as a single muslim woman? Also if anyone has any opinions on this I would be grateful. I've already spoken to helplines and my counsellor, just need to hear about others who go through these things as I find there isn't much online and most women tend to leave home due to a man (which is fine too, it's just the content of most of these stories). 

Thank you xx


 
SS

 

6 Comments

  • noori-saara14

    01/07/2021

    Salaam dearest sister, Reading your post has touched my heart. I too have experienced the many pains and struggles that come with an extremely strict, conservative up-bringing and I know that taking the first step outside of this bubble you've been living in for so long is not easy for family members to accept. First and foremost, it is important for you to truly understand that you are an independent grown, adult woman. And I do not mean this in the technical aspect. For many of us Muslim women, in our lifetime we simply jump from one place that has expectations of us (the family we were raised by) to another that has expectations of us (the family we choose, such as those made with spouses). Essentially, we are just jumping from one 'mould' to another 'mould' and we must adapt accordingly. And so few of us ever get to experience the unique self-growth, self-insight and self-acceptance that comes with living independently, when you are living free of such expectations. You must think of yourself as a vast, unique world living within this world (the 'dunya'). Only by understanding yourself can you attain fulfillment, happiness and balance within yourself. At least, this has been my experience. Secondly, you must recognise your parents behaviour for what it is - abuse. I know it is difficult, especially when you both love and depend on your family as we do. But your parents are human beings. They can make mistakes. And in this instance, you must recognise that this pattern of mistakes is abusive behaviour. And no one deserves to be treated as such, especially by those they love and trust. Thirdly, surround yourself with those you know you can rely on and trust in a difficult situation. These people will be both your rock and your stepping stone when you start living independently. We who have lived very sheltered lives can often be naive to the many forms exploitation and malicious intent take, and so these people will help guide and protect you from such harmful people. I pray for your freedom and everlasting happiness, inshallah.

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    • SS

      15/08/2021

      Thank you so much for this sis, every words speaks to me and I'm so grateful for your response. Wishing you all the best.

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  • NazminA

    30/11/2020

    I am so sorry that you are being put through all this and please know that none of this is your fault and actually, you are doing everything that you should be doing - I am genuinely really impressed with how maturely and amazingly you are handling things. There is nothing wrong with leaving home and I have many female Muslim friends who moved out to live on their own (for a number of reasons - education; career; to get their foot on the property ladder; learn to become independent as they felt they had led a very sheltered life and wanted to learn to live independently before getting married; post-divorce; and of course due to toxic situations like yours) and believe me, they are much better and happier for it! Even their relationships with their family is much better because whilst there can be initial issues, moving out can actually salvage a relationship and staying can completely destroy it to no return. One of them did have their mum threaten to break ties and they didn't speak for a few months but it was temporary as the mum eventually saw that it was actually for everyone's benefit - so I guess whilst it can be hard, if parents genuinely love you, they will understand sooner or later. It's interesting how the only time 'what will people think' becomes a hurdle to moving out is when you're trying to leave a toxic home for your wellbeing!). The fact that your dad is placing this all on you and not reflecting on how he has caused this and what he can do to make things better shows to me that you are absolutely taking the right step - I am really sorry to say it so bluntly, but he is showing all the signs of coercion and abuse, especially how he is accusing you of having a boyfriend and you need to protect yourself as all this may well escalate. I really hope this gives you some reassurance and also hope this gives some reassurance to others in a similar position - You CAN move out and believe me, it won't be the end of the world! :) Please do keep in touch and let us know how you get on. May Allah SWT make it easy for you.

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    • SS

      08/12/2020

      Thank you ever so much, this all makes great sense and I'm so amazed that you grasped the issues I'm facing so clearly and understand it well. I haven't decided what to do yet but I have gone to stay with my auntie for a while as things at home were unbearable. Thank you again!!

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  • karimofthecrop

    30/11/2020

    Salaam, reading this has touched me. I personally have not experienced what you are experiencing and I really cant imagine how you are feeling. I totally agree with you- why is it that women leaving home is such a "thing" in our community! It is ridiculous. Eventually we have to move out and get on with our lives anyway- and it should be totally your choice of what you wish to do. Reading your story has made me think of even the things like choosing what to cook- those things I defo take granted for! I think you are doing the best thing you can, you have tried sitting down and talking and everything else. Its great to know you have helplines that you have contacted and support, You have to do what you have do for your own life and peace. Its so true that we don't hear of women leaving home without a man online that much- but we should make it more of a norm! So thank you for sharing your experience- it might help other women too! :) I hope you are ok and everything goes smoothly!

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    • SS

      08/12/2020

      It really is ridiculous, especially to be able to learn independence and skills I can't learn at home. Thank you so much!!

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