By Anonymous
Disclaimer: This blog contains descriptions of child sexual abuse, self-harm and trauma that may be triggering for some readers. We encourage readers to consider their own sensitivity before reading.
I have thought long and hard about whether to write this until I was asked by my victim liaison officer to share the victim impact statement for his parole hearing.
I realised that the reason I was hesitant was because I knew I had to go to ‘that place’ again and share the impact his crimes has had on me throughout my life. To do this, I would need to remind myself of the enormity of his crimes, then as a child and now as an adult. His crimes have impacted me physically, emotionally and psychologically. It has affected my health, the relationships with my family members and sustaining healthy intimate adult relationships. It has taken away opportunities that I may not be able to take and financially resulted in needing to pay for therapy.
But I wanted to share not just the impact, but also my survival story. I also want to let people know that this does happen in Muslim communities and we must stand up against this and not brush it under the carpet.
He took away my innocence. He took away my playtime. He took away my healthy relationships. He took away my teenage years. He took away my adult relationships.
He sexually abused me for years. And when he stopped sexually abusing me - my body, mind, and soul gave me constant reminders of the abuse through flashbacks and nightmares. I couldn’t get rid of the trauma. I didn’t know how to. I self-harmed. I attempted suicide on a number of occasions. I spent time as an inpatient at a psychiatric unit.
He has abused every aspect of my life, from being able to form healthy relationships with my family members and avoiding intimacy because I feared all men would eventually abuse me. I cannot explain in words how this man’s actions have wounded me and broken me into tiny pieces.
Even though, there is an internal battle that goes on between my mind, my body, my inner child and me as an adult - I stand strong.
I have had a lot of therapy over the last decade, where I was able to process my trauma and try and live a life that is fulfilling. I have gone back to college and realised I have a thirst for learning. Now that the trauma is not dominating me, I have space in my head to hold more information. I don’t know if I would find a partner, or be a mother, but I am less afraid of men. This is only possible for me due to therapy and my faith.
I fought with my Nafs, my soul, with Allah because I couldn’t understand ‘why me?’ I hear people say, ‘Allah does not burden a soul if he doesn’t think you can handle it (can’t remember exact quote). But the trauma of this abuse was unbearable. I don’t know all the answers, but through trusting Allah that he has a better plan for me, and maybe sharing this will give others courage to speak up, even if it is to speak to a trusted person. I know not everyone wants to or can report the abusers, but talking helps - it helped me.
I am pleased to say that despite all this, I am brave. I am resilient. I am a survivor...and I am happy and stable in my life today.
If you have been affected by the contents in this blog and would like to speak to someone, please contact Muslim Women’s Network Helpline on 0800 999 5786. The Helpline is open Mondays to Fridays from 10am to 4pm.
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