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The Queer Muslim Representation I Never Had
5
My name is Shaz (she/her). I'm 27, I live in London with my girlfriend and I'm a Queer Muslim activist online. I was born in Kolkata, India, into a Muslim family and when I was 11, my mum, my little sister and I left everything behind to join my dad in London.
That first year in the UK was a blur of homesickness. I missed my friends, my school, the familiarity of Kolkata. But underneath the sadness was something else - relief. A quiet sense that maybe I didn't have to pretend anymore.
At 9 years old, I'd already learned to hide parts of myself. My school friends would talk endlessly about their crushes on boys and I'd sit there confused, wondering why I didn't feel the same. I was so afraid of being left out that I invented a boy crush and dedicated two whole pages of my diary to him. Moving countries felt like being handed a blank diary - one I could finally fill with my truth.
I didn't have a name or label for how I felt. In Year 9, I had my first real crush on a girl, and it was confusing because I couldn't tell if I wanted to be her or be with her. I'd get jealous of her best friend. I wanted her attention constantly. And then it clicked: girl, you're gay.
I know what you're going to ask - Shaz did you not feel guilty? The answer is simple - no. I've never experienced internalised homophobia. I never saw love as a sin, no matter who it was directed toward.
I chose to wear the hijab at 9, not because I was in India, not because anyone forced me, but because I loved my faith so deeply, I wanted to express my love for Allah in the form of modesty. I continued wearing the hijab for another 10 years, even after realising I was queer, because Islam never made me feel outcast. Only Muslims did.
My coming out wasn’t simple, though. Being gay is not for someone who wants a boring life. My mum stayed in denial for 6 years after I told her, so I came out on BBC News just to set it in stone.
My love for social media started at 13, when I was scrolling through "just girly things" on Tumblr. I created my own page where I talked openly about my declining mental health and found comfort in confiding in strangers who offered me hope. One day I posted about having a girl crush and suddenly this safe space I'd built became blackened with death threats and belittling.
People from my community, who once praised me for sharing my struggles of depression, began an online stoning session shaming me for liking another girl. Grown women and men told me I don't belong in Islam and called my love filthy. That's when I knew something wasn't adding up.
Over time, I built a community of teenagers searching for hope - people who needed someone to tell them they could be themselves one day. I started organising queer events around London to bring POC LGBTQIA+ people together and show them that our queerness is normal. You can be queer, have faith and live a full, ordinary life - no matter what anyone says.
As I became more visible online, I realised people were often far more interested in how I could be both Muslim and gay than they were in who I actually was as a person. It always amused me because, to me, life isn't a complicated maths equation.
Once, a boy in my Year 11 class said, "Ew, Shaz, you like girls?" I replied, "Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were gay." He stood up and walked away. That's how you handle homophobia -not with anger, but with confusion at their inability to process something so simple.
My coming out wasn't simple, though. Being gay is not for someone who wants a boring life. My mum stayed in denial for 6 years after I told her, so I came out on BBC News just to set it in stone. I wasn't home to see my dad's face when he opened his computer and saw me trending. Bonus points: that's the day he found out his daughter's a fag. Silver lining? He stopped making homophobic comments about gay men and drag queens after that.
I've been through attempted conversion therapy, online "support" groups trying to turn gay Muslims straight, religious lectures, you name it. My family grew distant simply because of who I love. But I am more than my sexuality. I'm a daughter, a sister, a friend. I love drawing. I love hot chocolate even though it gives me migraines. I cry when I see homeless people because I feel everything deeply. I have so much love to give and someone's gender has never stopped me from giving it.
Pride, to me, is loving unconditionally - even when others can’t love you back the same.
I decided no one was going to define my religion for me. I relearned Islam for myself. I spent hundreds of hours studying the Qur'an, researching how colonialism weaponised religion to fuel homophobia. Islam is a religion of peace and acceptance - not hate and discrimination.
Years of online hate taught me one thing: when someone is triggered by your existence, the rainbow flag is much closer to them than you think. A true believer would never tear someone down to feed their ego. They're not worth your time or your tears.
Growing up, I longed for my mum to accept me. I didn't want to fear for my life after coming out. I didn't want to spend my teenage years praying the gay away. I wanted a role model - someone who looked like me, believed like me, lived the life I dreamed of. That person didn't exist.
So I became her.
Today, I live the life younger me dreamed of - a peaceful home, a beautiful woman by my side, a life full of love. I wake up every day, thank Allah and live in a way that harms no one. I love with my chest, my soul, my whole being.
To me, Pride still means what it always has: representation for all. Hope for all.
I love a woman and she loves me back. We all have a dream - only a few of us are brave enough to make it a reality.
Shaz is a Queer Muslim activist and content creator based in London, using her platform to champion visibility, representation and belonging for queer Muslims. Follow Shaz's work on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/channel/AbYWX6gKD0ljM4D9/
You can also join her upcoming Queer Picnic in London https://www.tickettailor.com/events/mrspotatoqueen/2264507
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